Bush: The Environmental Genius

We’ve been had. The world has been hoodwinked by an environmental genius. I’m still shocked by the realization. It suddenly dawned on me this morning that it’s all been a farce. Wow. Such deception. Such acting ability. The lies, the blatantly moronic actions and seemingly idiotic policies. All pure genius.

It all makes sense now. In the 90s, Dubya knew that Global Warming would cause irreversible damage to the world. Never mind Manhattan and polar bears, Bush knew from his PhD in Geography that countless millions in the lowlands of Bangladesh were in danger, and that if Gore got elected he would try the useless tactic of convincing industry to change, at which he had been failing since the 60s. Heck, Al even invented the internet to convince people and it still didn’t work. Something had to be done. Enter George.

All along he had a seven step plan to save the world:

1. Get Jeb elected in Florida and stack the Supreme Court. Make sure the people of Florida have no chance to express who they really want as president, and steal the 2000 election.
2. At all costs, slow down the flow of oil. George knew that the only way to stop global warming was to stop the burning of fossil fuels. What better way than to shut down the oilfields in the world’s second largest reserve? He needed a way to destroy the Iraqi infrastructure, but congress would never give him the cash. Unless. With the help of his Dad’s CIA peons, he convinced his country that they were under threat, and that his one-time friend Saddam was really a tyrant with WMDs. George was determined to save us, even if it meant sacrificing thousands of young Americans, breaking international law and risking jail time by ignoring the Geneva Conventions.
3. Set the US economy up for collapse by spending exorbitant amounts of money destroying Iraq to drive the government into serious debt, all the while getting Greenspan to encourage banks to lend money to people who couldn’t afford it, creating over confidence in the growth of the economy and a housing boom, enabling millions of contactors to buy massive new F350 trucks, and driving consumer debt to all time highs.
4. Build up international trade, especially with China, so that the world’s economies are all tied together and he can affect them all. Use the American consumers’ confidence to get them addicted to cheap plastic goods from China. Encourage the Chinese to use lead paint in their toys and pesticide in their pet foods.
5. With Iraq oil production stopped, and American consumers buying lead-laden Chinese Barbie dolls by the container ship load, oil prices would rise, and he could now encourage farmers to grow corn for ethanol, guaranteeing steep rises in food prices, and pretty much everything else.
6. When the Chinese toy buying is at its peak, expose the lead and pesticide use, causing consumer panic and the rejection of Chinese goods.
7. Sit back and watch the collapse.

With oil and food prices so high, and the mortgage market imploding, the stock market will collapse sending the entire world into a recession.

With recession comes unemployment. High gas and food prices mean that people will only be able to afford food and not much else. Consumers will even be scared to buy cheap Chinese products.

The result: the consumption of fossil fuels for everything from F350s to air travel to Chinese Barbie doll factories plummets, cutting greenhouse gasses enough to stop Global Warming and save the people of Bangladesh from losing their homeland.

Freakin’ brilliant.

© Darren Harnett 2008.